Sex when the kids are around

Most will tell you that their sex life has changed since having children. Whether you have a newborn baby in the house, toddlers, teenagers or all three, you have to get more creative and more determined. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall has some tips.

Sex after childbirth

This is perhaps the toughest time of all. As wonderful as your bundle of joy may be, it's difficult to avoid the exhaustion that goes with caring for the needs of a newborn, 24 hours a day. Whether you’re mum or dad, it's a tough job. It's difficult to find the time and energy for love making and biology sometimes isn't much help. For the first few months, a woman's hormones are pre-programmed for feeding and nurturing your newborn, not making rivals. In fact, 80% of new mothers report lowered desire in the first months.

The most important thing you need to remember during this time is to keep touching. Just because you don't feel like being lovers, doesn't mean you can't be affectionate and not letting the spark go out will make it much easier to fan when you're ready. It's also essential that you share how you feel about sex. Either partner may feel guilty about wanting or not wanting sex. Talking about this will help you to support each other and help you to maintain intimacy as a couple.

Toddler hood and beyond

By the time your bundle of joy has entered toddler hood, your sexual energy will hopefully be fully restored. However, now it can be even harder to find the space and time. During this period of your life, you have to get clever. You need to develop a balance between planned sexual marathons, average encounters and passionate quickies.

If at all possible, try and ship toddlers off to granny or any other responsible adult, for a whole afternoon, evening or even night of love making. You might not get many opportunities to do this, so plan well ahead, get the date in your diary and look forward to it.

Bedtime is often the favoured time for parents of kids aged between two and nine. Hopefully they're in bed by 8.30pm at the latest and that leaves you sometime alone to enjoy some 'adult activities'. It can be tempting to spend the evening catching up on chores or vegging out in front of the TV. Or perhaps you like to have supper and enjoy some uninterrupted grown up conversation before you go to bed. However you like to spend your evening is fine, but have sex first. Most people are shattered by the time they go to bed and are only fit for sleep. If you want to enjoy sex, put this as item one on your evening agenda, and then do everything else.

You can also become expert at recognising and grabbing opportunities for a quickie. This might include naptimes, when the latest Disney film has just come out on DVD, or their favourite CBeebie programme is on. In fact, whenever you can safely pre-occupy them for 15 minutes or so, grab your chance.

Teenagers

Many couples find this one of the most difficult times to keep their sex life going. The kids now stay up too late for you to wait for their bedtime and now is the time when they DO know what you're doing. But on the bright side, they're beginning to go out much more regularly and hopefully you've entered the era of the sleepover. If at all possible, you need to get your kids out-of-school activities co-ordinated. The hour when they're at youth club - is your hour to jump into bed. And if one of them is in scouts from on Thursdays, that's the day to book the other one into swimming lessons. Sleepovers are great opportunities for a whole night of uninterrupted passion. Invite their friends round on a regular basis and then sit back and wait for the return match. Remember - be creative.

Overcoming awkwardness

Some parents can feel awkward about having sex when the kids are around. It might be easier when they know they're soundly asleep, but feel different when they're awake. Particularly if you're scared that they might walk in on you. One way to avoid this is to put a lock on the bedroom door. Some parents feel uncomfortable doing this, but if it happens early enough a child will learn to knock and accept it as the norm. If you've already got a lock on the bathroom door, you can also enjoy sex in the bath or shower.

It's important that you have puts appropriate steps in place to maintain your sexual privacy. Not only does this reinforce your uniqueness as a couple, but it also sets a good model for children. There's nothing wrong with children knowing that adults have sex as part of loving relationships. A small child may not understand what sex is, but they can know that parents enjoy 'special cuddles' or whatever term you prefer to use. As children get older they will be more aware of sex and they will learn some valuable lessons about it from you. Adopting an attitude that says sex is natural, healthy, enjoyable and private is an important message. One that hopefully they'll remember when they're adults themselves.

Sexual problems

If you've tried all the tricks in the book to keep your sex life sparkling but it just doesn't seem to be working, you might find it useful to look at some of the articles relating to specific sexual problems. If there are issues within your relationship that are affecting your intimacy, you can also get some further help at couples.