Making sex exciting


Making sex exciting Sleeping with the same person can become predictable in time, but that doesn't mean it's all over. Sex and relationships counsellor Suzie Hayman explains why the fire can fade even if you're still in love - and how to reignite the spark.


Bringing back the buzz

Once the honeymoon's over and you settle into the humdrum pattern of everyday life, it's easy to get bored. Sex might go from something you do because you can't keep your hands off each other to free entertainment on a Friday night because there's nothing on TV.

Most of us assume the sex we enjoy in the first heady days of a relationship is the best we can expect, and it's all down hill from there. But here's the good news. It can get better over time rather than worse, and it's easy to put the freshness back. In fact, if you've been together for some time, it can even become more exciting and
adventurous than early-days sex.

The one big advantage an established couple has over a new one is the increased level of trust. This makes it more comfortable to ask for something different and new that might be embarrassing with a relative stranger.

To keep things exciting, you'll have to go out of your way to make romantic gestures and suggest new approaches, but it's worth it. You can put fire and excitement into an established relationship far more easily than you can put trust into a new one.

In fact, people who have affairs often say they're looking for the love and sexual satisfaction they felt they weren't getting at home. But, according to research, even couples who said their sex life was unsatisfactory tended to admit it was still better than extra-marital sex.

Going back to the good bits
The feeling that the magic is fading is caused by the adrenaline charge wearing off. Sooner or later it becomes clear which way your shared love-making is going to go, and the knowledge that you both have a well-worn repertoire of sexual practices kills
expectation and excitement.

One couple I counselled had exactly this problem. They still loved each other but felt their sex life had become stale and disappointing. I recommended that they start again. They realised that all the things they did to each other when they made love were based on discoveries from the first year or so of their relationship.

Starting over
Each had found touches, techniques and preferences that the other seemed to enjoy and had developed a well-worn routine, from first kiss to final hug. But their tastes had changed. Things they once liked were now boring, and they were ready to try things they would have been too shy to suggest in the early days.

Practical exercises
The exercises I asked this couple to try are in our practical exercises section. There are lots of ideas to help you revitalise your sex life, and tips and techniques to print out and try.